Local Bands glossary

FANS: neither a noun nor a verb. Fans to a local band amount to 3 given people. Out of those three, at least one is a close relative (i.e. cousin, sister, etc.). Fans to a local band make the unit thrive and push to go above the proverbial call of duty. It is in that same breath, these "fans" are almost always the demise of legacy that could have been. When the singer's distant cousin says the band is not doing enough slow stuff or needs to play more of the songs written by the singer, the band has approximately 3 weeks of survival.

ALBUM: Noun. A collection of artistic creations released by the band. In the local band dictionary, see "shit" for another definition. To use in a sentence: "The ALBUM will be released in March" OR "The ALBUM is supposed to be released in March but due to the fact our broke asses can't get money from Dad this month, we may have to delay the ALBUM until we sell enough dope or rob dad. OR You can attempt to use the previous word "fans" and "album" in the same sentence such as: "This complete collection of worthless tunes otherwise known as the ALBUM or SHIT has been done strictly for our FANS or COUSINS.

CONCERT: Noun. Fictional. Concert is officially defined as a gathering of people to enjoy a musical performance. In the local band dictionary, a concert refers to the gathering of one or two people who made the drive to wherever the gig was booked and the standard drunk who comes to the bar regardless of what day it is. Concerts are always either "pathetic" (see pathetic or performance for definition) or "Lame" when put on by a local band. Most likely, gear will not cooperate and various members will be drunk or high. Strangely, when the members of the band speak of the "concert" the following day, almost all local bands will say they had between 300 to 500 people, knowing they have inflated the actual figure by 297 or 497 depending on the venue. Used in a sentence: The CONCERT went great. We had 300 FANS who showed up and we recorded a live ALBUM. Translation: The Pile of shit performance resulted in no deaths of band members. The three people who showed up screamed like we were Motley Crue and my cousin recorded the show on his boom box.

STUDIO: Noun. See Boom box for alternative definition. See also SM57 and Soundblaster with quarter inch in. Studio is defined in the local band dictionary as a place that may or may not exist. It is also defined as an excuse to cancel any live engagement that may have only 1 person (Local band interpretation: 100 people) attend. Example: We won't be able to make it to the CONCERT because we had booked STUDIO time. Actual Sentence: We can't make it to the gig because our guitar player has to work Friday and our singer has big plans to cut vocal tracks on the boom box. If the studio does exist, see basement for alternative definition.

RELEASE PARTY: Noun. The supposed gathering of fans to attend the release of the band's original material recorded in the studio. These engagements almost always have 2,000 people (Definition: 20 people) who show up. The reason these engagements have more people is because parents who are teetering on the edge of divorce convince themselves their son is trying to do something with his life. Parents will then make a unified front to show support. Parents, like local bands, have a river of denial that they swim in as well, choosing not to realize their son is a complete and total fucking loser who is too god damn lazy to get a job. Most parents who support their children at the CD release party will soon attend the grand opening of their son's web venture.

TOUR: Noun and Verb. This is one of the most overused terms in the local band dictionary. Tour: The act of supporting the original material by playing places as far as 25 miles away. Most tours for local bands always include 2 shows. One show sometimes is enough to be considered a tour but only if the drive is over an hour. If the drive is 30 minutes, then two shows make a tour. IF however, the band plays a gig over 2 hours away, this is considered a showcase. It is considered a showcase because it is understood that the FANS will not make the drive and the local band can really lie about every inch of the show. Knowing that if the lie is contained to the five members; each member knows that when they return, their fans will have no choice but to believe their bullshit. Tours also are a big reason why bands have to rotate members. Example: "Due to our hectic touring schedule, we have had to get a new drummer." Translation: "Due to two gigs in a row, we have no choice but to concede that our current drummer does not have enough sick days to continue."

MANAGER: Noun. The manager is the person responsible for getting the band shows as well as in view of record labels. The manager makes it all happen. It is quite funny to know the manager, in the local context, is usually twice as fucked up as the band. There is nothing better than watching a man with a chili stain on an Anthrax T-shirt scream about 20 percent. Here's an example of "manager" used in a sentence: "Our manager screwed us for every penny we've got" Translation: "The manager went to McDonald's"

RECORD DEAL: Noun. Pure fiction. No such thing. It has lived from generation to generation like most urban legends and campfire folklore, but is yet to be proven reality. Most local bands believe a "record deal" is when a label signs an artist to a lucrative contract in exchange for the right to release the artist's music commercially. However, a record deal (for local bands) is a guy who can print CD's more than two at a time that agrees to stop smoking pot long enough to print 50. Most local bands believe one day they will get a "record deal" and will be allowed the opportunity to quit their jobs. Total hogwash. Actual record deals are reserved for people that were never in local bands. Record label bands were born and bred to be rock stars, a proven conspiracy. Limp Bizkit, for example, does not exist. They are a total figment of one's imagination. Limp Bizkit is made up of four gigantic birds and a DJ.

LABEL: Noun. A place of business that is willing to sign a musical act to a contract in exchange for the right to commercialize said artist's music. See "bullshit artist" in Webster's. In local band terms, a "label" is always looking at his/her band. To be used in a sentence: "We are being pursued by two labels that are fighting over us" Translation: "We've made friends with two different guys who can print CD's off of the laptop."

TOUR BUS: Noun. See Astrovan or Caprice for alternate definition. Tour bus: A vehicle that the musical artist travels in to get from show to show. Used in a sentence: "Hey, would you like to come back on the bus?" Translation "Yo, have you got enough time to blow me in my mom's van before you have to get back to your 7 kids?"

GIG: Noun. Just about anything band related. A gig is technically referred to as a show or live engagement but has evolved into a word that defines any working engagement. Used in a sentence: "Hey, we've got a gig this Friday!" Translation "Hey, we're going to open for 19 bands at 2:30 in the afternoon in front of no one this Friday"

COVER BAND: Noun. A cover band is a group of beaten, cynical, old men or women that cover other artist's material to make a living. Some "cover bands" have proven to be successful until they attempt "original" material and start to suck dick. You have more than likely paid to see a "cover band" at one point in your life. Try to remember the last time you were in a bar and looked on stage realizing how good you really had it. More than likely, you were looking at a cover band.

ORIGINAL BAND: Noun. See "hilarious". An original band is a group of clueless individuals who think they can write great music. Most original bands play for cheese or piss with a smile. Rarely do original bands receive any kind of payment for a performance. It is neither uncommon nor unprecedented for an original band to play a set while you are watching sportscenter in your own living room. Be very careful around original bands, they possess a very dangerous amount of "hope."

HOPE: Noun and verb. Hope is defined officially as "to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment. "Hope" does not and will never exist for a local band.

HOTEL ROOM: Noun. Purely fictional. Hotel rooms are in fact, real, but are used by people who travel on business, men meeting hookers and families on vacation. Bands DO NOT have hotel rooms, ever. Bands will lie and say they have been guaranteed a "hotel room" but understand they are either sleeping in the van or on the floor of a "fan's" home.

ARTWORK: Noun. Artwork is described as the cover of an artist's album or CD. Either a band member or someone on heavy drugs usually does artwork. Some bands take great pride in the "artwork" of a CD and completely forget the music in the process.

LIVE CD: See "boom box recording".

PERCENTAGE: Noun. Percentage in the local band world refers to how much of the admission or "door price" the band is to receive in exchange for performing. Club owners and promoters rely heavily on local bands having no clue what "math" means in arranging the said percentage. Most of the time, a band will receive anywhere between $2.00 and $4.00 on a $950.00 total take. This percentage, according to club owners or promoters, is referred to as "half".

VIDEO: Noun. A video is a visual documentation of a band's performance. A video is usually a complete joke. A video is used to confirm that the local band is just as bad as you thought they were.

WEBSITE: Noun. A band's website is usually one of the very first things done by a band when starting. A band website is hosted by Angelfire and usually not in working condition 75% of the time. Through the website, the band provides the general public a stepping-stone to make fun of their music or each individual in the group.

MP3: Noun. A downloadable version of original material on the band's "website". Note: An MP3 is posted for the band's "fans" in hopes of creating a "buzz" about new material. In actuality, the band's MP3 creates a buzz indeed by forcing those who download the creation to drink heavily.

MOTHER: Noun. The only bitch left who likes you. Mothers will often lie to their son because it is too painful to admit they suck. Mother's also realize that alcoholism coincides with the formation of a band in her basement.

AIRPLAY: Noun. Airplay refers to a radio station that plays the band's original material. This does not happen unless the D.J. is high on percocet and makes a mistake.

REQUEST: Verb. Request refers to fans that ask for a certain song to be played on the radio. In local band terms, this does not happen. It will never happen unless your mother is decent looking and aggress to blow a programmer.

REVIEW: Noun. A review is a written evaluation of either a band's CD or live performance that is placed in print. Local bands have a tendency to write reviews on a personal computer and print them to show to friends. Local bands will try time and time again to fake you and all those around you out.

BOOKING AGENT: Noun. A "Booking Agent" refers to the person primarily responsible for live engagements only. Booking agents are all former heroin addicts stuck on step 7 of the twelve steps. Booking agents will tell local bands about 15 gigs while only 2 exist. Booking agents feel they have done their job after one live event resulting in no deaths or permanent injury and will accordingly get back on heroin.

TRAILER: Noun. A trailer is what is used to haul equipment to and from live engagements. Local bands will have a tendency to never know how to pack them. Local bands will also frequently get too drunk to hook them up after the gig resulting in the loss of all equipment.

EQUIPMENT: Noun. Equipment refers to the musical instruments used by local bands. Used in a sentence: "How are we going to fit all that equipment in the trailer?" Translation "How in the hell do I get the Peavey amp on top of the Pearl Export Floor tom?"

AMP HEAD: Noun. Amp head specifically refers to a guitar player's source of power for his electric guitar. It is a given that on the local band scene, the primary "amp head" is always in the shop. If you approach a guitar player and ask why he is playing a Peavey, you will get the response, "Because my mesaboogie is in the shop"

KICK DRUM: Noun. The Kick drum is always the drummer's source of bottom end for the show. The kick drum is played with the foot while the arms cover the remainder of the drums. If you are listening to a live set, pinpoint where the sound of a cardboard box being hit with a wet noodle is coming from. That is the kick drum.

TUNING: Verb. Tuning is the act of either getting the guitars, drums or keyboards in tune. This verb has alluded every local band in history.

SOUNDGUY: Noun. A soundguy is the person responsible for mixing the band throughout the night. A soundguy is also defined as guy that has no life and is not deaf. On the local band circuit, a sound guy is fat and has no musical talent. He also more than likely got his start by learning how to work the E.Q. in his car.

GROUPIE: Noun. A groupie is a female who wants to sleep with the band. Used in a sentence: "My old band used to get tons of groupies" Translation "You know, I got to kiss a chick on the cheek once after one of our shows."

KEYBOARD PLAYER: Noun. A Keyboard player was once a prominent figure in rock and roll but has almost become extinct. A keyboard player is the member of a group who plays a piano like instrument to fill up dead space. A keyboard player is almost always a guy hanging on by a very thin thread in need of serious psychological help.

BASS PLAYER: Noun. A bass player is the member of the group who plays the bass guitar. The person who plays the bass guitar most likely was not a good guitar player and couldn't quite play drums. In local bands, there are no good bass players. In life, bass players are destined to fail at everything. NOTE: The last known 17-year-old virgin was a "bass player".

DRUMMER: Noun. A drummer is the member of the band who plays the drums. A local band drummer is most destined to become a professional pizza delivery guy or a music store employee. In local bands, there are no good drummers. Drummer's also have to be treated with medication for years because they share the same profession as Rikki Rokket.

RHYTHM GUITARIST: Noun. A rhythm guitarist is the member of the band that plays rhythm guitar. This guy is bound to suck.

LEAD GUITARIST: Noun. A Lead guitarist is the member of the band that is never wrong. A lead guitarist is also the guy that does not load in or out, help set up, drive to practice or shit without help.

SINGER: Noun. The singer is the front man of a band. In local bands, the singer always blows the most. Singers are among the most diabolical, manipulative, cold blooded and least talented people in the entire world. Singers are almost always gay.

LOAD IN: Verb. A "load in" is the beginning of a huge argument looming in the distance between two members of the band.

LOAD OUT: Verb. A "load out" is when punches are finally exchanged between anyone working and anyone stoned.

ROADIE: Noun. A "roadie" is a person responsible for helping to set up or tear down equipment. A roadie is more than likely a mentally handicapped person or a psychopath.